Prepare, don't plan.

College is particularly talented at making you acutely aware of your relationship status. I’m fairly certain that universities were actually created as a social experiment and served as the world’s first dating event, roughly the equivalent of speed and online dating now. In college you are literally packed into a town with similarly aged people with way too much free time and little to no serious responsibilities. And this makes room for all sorts of relationships to form. And while most also create lifelong friendships, the one thing you are truly most concerned about is finding is your spouse. And anyone that tells you this is not the case is quite frankly, lying. Now I am not insinuating that this is the only reason people go to college. If that were my case I would certainly be at a Christian school picking through all the missions majors. However, even if it is not the motivating factor in receiving a diploma, it is certainly in the back of everyone’s mind with each passing school year and birthday. I will admit that I really didn’t believe this would ever concern me, growing up. I have striven to avoid most social stigmas and when people told me I would eventually have baby fever and want a husband, I brushed this off as emotions I wouldn’t have to deal with. And rest assured that baby fever is nowhere near me. In fact, I have the opposite of that. Baby anti-fever. But as embarrassing as it is, I confess my worry in the husband area has become a bit of a nuisance. I in no way believe I am ready for that commitment, nor do I really want to be. I have no interest in being married at this particular point in my life. But there are times that I would like to know that it is somewhat a possibility for my life. That being said, if I am honest with myself, I am very content with where I am now. I have achieved a balance that I haven’t had in a long time. You see, before when I wasn’t in a relationship or didn’t have some guy to fill my time with some sort of attention, it made me nervous. I had to be looking for the next one. And it’s not that I would define myself with guys, because I don’t. In fact, usually I do the opposite. I become so concerned with that thought that I keep my relationship almost a step away from secret, so I will still seem independent. But if I didn’t have a guy on the sidelines or backstage to fill my time or boost my ego, I was panicked. Especially if I was ever truly hurt, the way I would assuage my heartbreak was by simply, replacing. But God intervened. And it has been a turning point for me. Not too long ago, I fell down the tree of heartbreak and hit every branch on the way down. And when I landed, I frantically looked around, trying desperately to find someone to fix those bruises. Someone, as in another boy, to distract me from what I felt was a devastating loss. But for the first time in a long time, there was no one there. And not only was there no one there, but my challenge was increased by me moving to Houston, where I knew absolutely no one. And let me tell you, there were slim pickin’s in Houston, my friends. So there I was, bruised and broken with no one but God, girl friends, and kiddos. And you know what? It was the best thing that has ever happen to me, post-boy troubles. I spent a summer allowing children to heal me. I created close and honest friendships and truly allowed people inside my normally, tightly-sealed walls. And I learned to truly rely on God as my ultimate Comforter. And after a full summer of contentment I was nervous about coming back to school and being surround by couples and difficult memories. But God has continued to provide comfort and strength and I have found a balance that doesn’t require a man. A balance within myself that in no way comes easily or naturally, but has certainly made me better. I am beyond confident that I am in no condition to be in any sort of a romantic relationship right now, and what’s more I am CONTENT with that. So with all of that being said, why would I in any way be worried about a husband if I don’t even want a boyfriend? And the answer to that is simple. I’m not worried about a husband. Right now. In fact, it doesn’t even cross my mind on most days. It’s when I think to the future, when I foolishly try to plan my own life, that I get concerned. I am certain that God has called me into missions. I know that I was designed and created to go into the mission field and I in no way intend to deny God in that aspect of my life. But how is that going to work? Ideally, I would find a man that would want to do missions alongside, but what if I fall in love with an engineer? Will he stay here and I will travel and we will have a makeshift military relationship? Will that make me a bad wife? I certainly desire to fulfill the idea of a Godly wife, but which is worse, not living up to God’s expectations of me as a spouse, or as a missionary? I legitimately wrestle with these thoughts. And after I do this for too long, I start to think, well the answer to this equation is really quite simple, you need to be alone. Alone. That is a terrifying word. And this is when I start to hyperventilate. I am usually pretty good at living in the moment. I don’t stress over things that are in years to come. I struggle to see the point in that. But college essentially, is all about preparing for your future. Professors remind you of that daily. And I am basically throwing myself into a sea of unknowns. I suppose we all are essentially, but apparently I have to go big or go home because I really have no clue what the plan is. This past week we were given an assignment to chart out our financial plan for the next 10 years of our lives. He told us to factor in your spouse’s pay as well, if you were married or in a committed relationship. So all my classmates went and researched their nice stable jobs and talked to their cute little boyfriends and figured out what their lives would look like. And out of the 22 person class literally 17 of them factored in a spouse pay because they were either already married or that confident in their relationship. So that left me in a group of 5 others uncertain about that part of their lives. And out of that 5, 4 of them had at least their own job to be confident in, with a very detailed 5 year plan and 401K. And what did I have? A big fat question mark. Over the entire thing. And truly, I am fine with that. I am more than excited to be the hands and feet of Christ. But when people continue to urge you to look into your future and all you see are uncertainties, it can start to concern you. So this lead me to a 4 hour prayer. Literally, 4 hours of me and God just talking it out. And I am really not very good at praying. It is certainly where I lack spiritually. But I was so overwhelmed and so desired to pour my heart out to God that I sat with Him and we talked, for 4 hours. I was more than surprised to look up and see that much time had passed. And in this prayer I spoke to Him about all of these things, but mostly about my husband. Whomever he is. And the Lord brought me to this conclusion. It is my responsibility as a Christian woman, to prepare for my husband. And so I will. I will pray for him, and think of him. I will not make decisions out of impatience for him. I want him to feel cherished and cared for, even before we met. I want him to know that I thought of him, in every decision and kept away from things that would not be productive towards our relationship. I want to be considerate, and think about how my actions today will affect his feelings in the future. I want to wait, because I truly believe the man God prepared for me is worth waiting for. But what I have come to realize in these past few weeks is that there is a difference in preparing, and planning. God expects me to prepare for my husband, not plan for him. As of now the only person that should have any influence in my life, is the Lord. The other day I was looking at a mission opportunity I’m interested in after I graduate. It is a full year mission and as I was sitting here, falling in love with the idea of this World Race, I stopped and consciously thought, “But what if I am engaged? Or married? Or in a committed relationship? I can’t leave him for a year.” ELISE, who is ‘him’? There is no ‘him’. I am limiting God’s plan for MY life and HIS work by continuing to put a figurative man into the equation. Here lies the problem. It is appropriate for me to ready myself spiritually for meeting my husband, but it is no way okay for me to make decisions for my own life based on someone I want to meet. And what’s more, I don’t think that is how God works. He isn’t going to just give me the man of my dreams because I denied Him. So throughout hours of prayer and thought this is what I continue to feel God say to me. Not right now. I have always heard that God gives three answers to prayer. Yes, no, or not right now. And I always hated the thought of, “not right now.” I’d rather just accept the facts, come to terms with the answer, and move on. But here I am, continuing to be reassured by a stupid “not right now”. But truly, it has created quite a peace within me. I really believe that if I devote my life to Christ as I am feeling Him call me to do, if I give Him these years of my life and dive into His work fearlessly, He will fulfill my needs and desires in His time. I feel God whisper, “Focus on me. Do my work. You are more useful to me by yourself right now. So forge ahead. Do as I am asking of you. I will fulfill your desires later.” And maybe this is foolish. Maybe this isn’t God’s voice. But I can’t help but feel very certain that this is a spoken truth in my life right now. So I am accepting it. And I am finding peace and contentment within the “not right now.” I know that if God is withholding it, it’s going to be something great. For now I will live in my balance and constantly remind myself to trust, and not fear. To live, and not worry. And to prepare, not plan.