The way I see it you can look at God one of two ways. You
can choose to believe that God is within every single moment of every single
day. That His hand is a part of each decision whether large or small. That
every action is divinely created. If you get stuck in traffic God had
specifically designed this event giving you some sort of opportunity. Everyone
you meet has a very specific intention for your life. Every pause, every
thought, every inkling- is God. Or you can choose to believe that God is all
powerful and He set the world into motion and certainly has the power to
intervene, but has chosen not to. He instead allows things to happen the way
they are going to and He sits back and essentially knows the outcome but
doesn’t encourage or prevent any particular decisions. I’m not sure at this
stage in my life which I believe. I think it is sometimes different for
everyone. I don’t believe it is necessarily crucial to have this defined. But
it does create two very opposite world views that leave little room for
wavering. Once you have committed to believing one, they can’t bleed into one
another. And you have to adopt the entire concept to your entire life. So I can
believe that Bailey was created, to die. That every second of every day was preparing
her for this tragic death. That every thought we every had pertaining to her
was supposed to be some sort of clue of her early departure. That every moment
of that night, set the timing perfectly for that wreck to happen at that place,
and that time. Or I can choose to believe that there wasn’t necessarily a set
plan. Life happens the way it does and sometimes it consists of terrible things
that are in no way fair. But God is above it, watching and aware, but not
interfering. And frankly I don’t know which one makes me feel better. Part of
me would prefer that have been her purpose. That she had this “mission” almost.
God created and designed this perfect girl for this life that would teach us so
much, and that was the deal all along. And part of me would much rather believe
that God didn’t arrange this entire thing. That He allows life to happen
because it has to, but he didn’t sacrifice her for some Divine message we were
supposed to grasp. I will never claim to be wise or act like I in any way have
this figured out. I don’t understand how death selects. I have more trouble
understanding why I have made it this long and she has not. I put myself in far
more dangerous situations and I am far less impressive. I often feel very
inadequate and I wonder why God gave me this testimony. I am sure that Bailey
could have done far more with it and that she would have had much more success
in this life than I, so it astounds me that God chose to leave me here with a
message that I could potentially completely ruin.
I think the first year I was so frantic to find a meaning. I was desperate to find the end result. I didn’t question God or the action, but I needed to understand the purpose of it all. I needed to discover my “job”. What was I supposed to do with this new life? Because that is honestly how it felt. My entire worldview was changed in three minutes. It took one event with an astounding message of clarity to completely altar how I looked at life, and Christ, and humanity. And when you are faced with that revelation, what do you do? Where do you go from there? So I spent a year trying to figure out what Bailey’s death was supposed to mean for me, and my life. I was convinced I was supposed to do something in her name, and spend my life respecting her in some way. That my new life was to be centered around her. But two years removed with a little more clarity and my decision making not so clouded with emotion, I don’t think that was what Bailey’s death was supposed to teach me at all. Bailey didn’t expect me to change God’s plan for my life, because she wasn’t here to live her own anymore. God designed each of us with very separate paths and very separate missions and testimonies. He never expected me to pick up Bailey’s life and continue it for her. He knew that I would lose Bailey, and He knew that would affect me profoundly and for eternity. It changed me in more ways that I can count. But it was meant to mold me, for MY mission, not for hers. Some people ask me if they think Bailey would be proud of me for going to Houston or starting Impact Troy or whatever else. Or they insist that she is looking down on it all and is more than pleased with me. And that may be true. But frankly, Bailey would be delighted in whatever I chose to do with my life. She was my biggest fan. And whether I was studying to become a biologist or an English teacher, as long as Christ was the center of my life she would be more than excited for me. I don’t have to make any radical life decisions because she died to please her. With that being said, I do believe God has called me to do certain things that may not be ‘normal’ and I am more than looking forward to fulfilling those duties. But I think one of the best things I did for myself this year was remove that burden of responsibility that had convinced me I had to “do” something with her death. I hope my blogs are helpful. I hope my writing is able to touch people in ways that I can’t explain. I hope that I am the vessel Christ has called me to be. But I also feel content if they aren’t. Bailey dying wasn’t some “lesson” for our family or an opportunity for us to lead or show people how to grieve. I don’t believe that’s how God works. He didn’t “choose” us because He believed we were strong enough to handle it. Tragic things happen. That’s life. It’s why He created Heaven as our actual home and made it so much greater than anything we could imagine. If this place was so wonderful we wouldn’t want to leave. An awful thing happened to our family, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Ever. But it just happened. There’s no moral to the story here, no big finale. We may never understand the purpose and there may never be a defining theme. So you just pick up the pieces. You try to live each day the best you can. God makes good out of bad because that’s who He is and good is all He can produce. But there is no reason. There is no selection. It just, is. And that might be there hardest part of death or sickness or tragedy, to grasp. That at the end of the day there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. It is just this world. So having made this revelation over the course of this year, this is what I propose.
We make it through.
That’s it. We figure out how to navigate this thing called life because all we have to do is make it to the finish line and we have won. We surround ourselves with people that love us. We find our kindred Christian spirits. We pick up as many souls as possible on the way. We light our communities, and cities, and country, and the world with hope of what life could hold. But we remember at the end of the day that if someone dies, or we never get married, or we can’t have children, or we get cancer, or something awful and terrible happens to us that we could never believe would be God’s plan for our life- We just have to make it through. I believe in a place called Heaven. I believe that it will be miraculous and beyond my wildest dreams. I believe without a doubt that it will be so much more than what we are among now. If anything, losing Bay has caused me to focus more on my destination than ever before. I covet my Heavenly home.
So with the tradition of the anniversary of December 2nd, here is my letter to Heaven.
Dear Bailey,
It is absolutely impossible for me to believe that you have been gone for two years. At times it feels like such a short amount and at others it feels as though we have been forced to live without you for much longer than that. I still remember the 2nd like it was yesterday, and sometimes that haunts me. I remember every heart wrenching moment from seeing you for the last time, to lowering you in the ground. They are painful memories, and I avoid them, but they are acute and looming especially this time of year. The calendar makes me nauseous. But it is important for you to understand that I don’t feel this way every day. Mostly when I think of you it is fond and warm and comforting. It’s just these few days that are tough. I want to share with you instead what I have learned this year. It has been a long one, full of missing you. There is not a day that goes by that something doesn’t happen that I wish I could tell you. You know what I think I miss the most about you? I miss your companionship obviously and the friendship we shared. But I really miss being a big sister to you. I miss having someone to learn from my mistakes or even triumphs. Life seems so much more worthwhile when you can pass something along. So I am going to be your big sister today. Play along, I need this. Here is what I learned in 2013. First of all, Disney is perfect and if you ever get the chance to do the college program you totally should. I don’t know what you want to major in so it may not work with your schedule, but if you can fit it in, do it. Partly because you would love it and partly because I could visit you and get in for free. Two, love is a confusing and terrifying and beautiful and sometimes disappointing thing. And because it is such a complex emotion it is mostly just scary. But even if it could hurt, I don’t want you to ever miss out on the chance to experience it. It is the energy of this world, the vibrancy of this life. And even when it doesn’t work out, one day you will look back and be glad you felt it at all. Also, never take any situation for granted. Even if you can’t understand why something didn’t work out the way you envisioned it, there is always a lesson to be learned. You may not ever understand what the specific lesson is, but take every situation in stride. Be aware and honest of all the actions that went into it, both yours and others. Remember the definition of insanity. Thirdly, listening to God is hard. And frankly you will never know if you are doing it right. There will be time you are absolutely certain God was pointing you a certain direction and then you realize halfway there that was in no way the plan. That’s okay, it happens. Just turn around and pray on the way back so that maybe you get a clearer picture and can guess right the next time. God commends those that are actively trying to listen, even if we don’t always hear correctly. Four, don’t make decisions based on other people. Ever. Your life is between you and God. And sometimes that’s hard. There may be times that even your family doesn’t understand or agree with God’s calling for your life. But at the end of the day these are your earthly friends and earthly family and the only person you have to answer to is your Heavenly father. He determines a much larger fate for you than anyone down here. Five, don’t be afraid to go against the status quo. God may call you to do something different. It may be something He hasn’t called anyone else around you to do. But you have to commit to that. As the body of Christ, we HAVE to have people that are faithful enough to do something radical if God asks it of them. Fear is a tool of the devil. And sixth, if you are lucky enough to love someone as much as I love you, tell them every day. Tell everyone around you exactly how you feel. Because this life is too short for shame. There is no embarrassment in being brave enough to admit love. Love everyone. Dangerously and compassionately with your whole being. Even when it is not returned, there is no regretting love. It is perfect. God created it. Show it and express it every day, in every way, to everyone.
I miss being your sister. I miss having you as my best friend. I miss you every second of every day.
But I love you so much more.
Thank you for being mine.
Your loving big sister,
Elise
I think the first year I was so frantic to find a meaning. I was desperate to find the end result. I didn’t question God or the action, but I needed to understand the purpose of it all. I needed to discover my “job”. What was I supposed to do with this new life? Because that is honestly how it felt. My entire worldview was changed in three minutes. It took one event with an astounding message of clarity to completely altar how I looked at life, and Christ, and humanity. And when you are faced with that revelation, what do you do? Where do you go from there? So I spent a year trying to figure out what Bailey’s death was supposed to mean for me, and my life. I was convinced I was supposed to do something in her name, and spend my life respecting her in some way. That my new life was to be centered around her. But two years removed with a little more clarity and my decision making not so clouded with emotion, I don’t think that was what Bailey’s death was supposed to teach me at all. Bailey didn’t expect me to change God’s plan for my life, because she wasn’t here to live her own anymore. God designed each of us with very separate paths and very separate missions and testimonies. He never expected me to pick up Bailey’s life and continue it for her. He knew that I would lose Bailey, and He knew that would affect me profoundly and for eternity. It changed me in more ways that I can count. But it was meant to mold me, for MY mission, not for hers. Some people ask me if they think Bailey would be proud of me for going to Houston or starting Impact Troy or whatever else. Or they insist that she is looking down on it all and is more than pleased with me. And that may be true. But frankly, Bailey would be delighted in whatever I chose to do with my life. She was my biggest fan. And whether I was studying to become a biologist or an English teacher, as long as Christ was the center of my life she would be more than excited for me. I don’t have to make any radical life decisions because she died to please her. With that being said, I do believe God has called me to do certain things that may not be ‘normal’ and I am more than looking forward to fulfilling those duties. But I think one of the best things I did for myself this year was remove that burden of responsibility that had convinced me I had to “do” something with her death. I hope my blogs are helpful. I hope my writing is able to touch people in ways that I can’t explain. I hope that I am the vessel Christ has called me to be. But I also feel content if they aren’t. Bailey dying wasn’t some “lesson” for our family or an opportunity for us to lead or show people how to grieve. I don’t believe that’s how God works. He didn’t “choose” us because He believed we were strong enough to handle it. Tragic things happen. That’s life. It’s why He created Heaven as our actual home and made it so much greater than anything we could imagine. If this place was so wonderful we wouldn’t want to leave. An awful thing happened to our family, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Ever. But it just happened. There’s no moral to the story here, no big finale. We may never understand the purpose and there may never be a defining theme. So you just pick up the pieces. You try to live each day the best you can. God makes good out of bad because that’s who He is and good is all He can produce. But there is no reason. There is no selection. It just, is. And that might be there hardest part of death or sickness or tragedy, to grasp. That at the end of the day there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. It is just this world. So having made this revelation over the course of this year, this is what I propose.
We make it through.
That’s it. We figure out how to navigate this thing called life because all we have to do is make it to the finish line and we have won. We surround ourselves with people that love us. We find our kindred Christian spirits. We pick up as many souls as possible on the way. We light our communities, and cities, and country, and the world with hope of what life could hold. But we remember at the end of the day that if someone dies, or we never get married, or we can’t have children, or we get cancer, or something awful and terrible happens to us that we could never believe would be God’s plan for our life- We just have to make it through. I believe in a place called Heaven. I believe that it will be miraculous and beyond my wildest dreams. I believe without a doubt that it will be so much more than what we are among now. If anything, losing Bay has caused me to focus more on my destination than ever before. I covet my Heavenly home.
So with the tradition of the anniversary of December 2nd, here is my letter to Heaven.
Dear Bailey,
It is absolutely impossible for me to believe that you have been gone for two years. At times it feels like such a short amount and at others it feels as though we have been forced to live without you for much longer than that. I still remember the 2nd like it was yesterday, and sometimes that haunts me. I remember every heart wrenching moment from seeing you for the last time, to lowering you in the ground. They are painful memories, and I avoid them, but they are acute and looming especially this time of year. The calendar makes me nauseous. But it is important for you to understand that I don’t feel this way every day. Mostly when I think of you it is fond and warm and comforting. It’s just these few days that are tough. I want to share with you instead what I have learned this year. It has been a long one, full of missing you. There is not a day that goes by that something doesn’t happen that I wish I could tell you. You know what I think I miss the most about you? I miss your companionship obviously and the friendship we shared. But I really miss being a big sister to you. I miss having someone to learn from my mistakes or even triumphs. Life seems so much more worthwhile when you can pass something along. So I am going to be your big sister today. Play along, I need this. Here is what I learned in 2013. First of all, Disney is perfect and if you ever get the chance to do the college program you totally should. I don’t know what you want to major in so it may not work with your schedule, but if you can fit it in, do it. Partly because you would love it and partly because I could visit you and get in for free. Two, love is a confusing and terrifying and beautiful and sometimes disappointing thing. And because it is such a complex emotion it is mostly just scary. But even if it could hurt, I don’t want you to ever miss out on the chance to experience it. It is the energy of this world, the vibrancy of this life. And even when it doesn’t work out, one day you will look back and be glad you felt it at all. Also, never take any situation for granted. Even if you can’t understand why something didn’t work out the way you envisioned it, there is always a lesson to be learned. You may not ever understand what the specific lesson is, but take every situation in stride. Be aware and honest of all the actions that went into it, both yours and others. Remember the definition of insanity. Thirdly, listening to God is hard. And frankly you will never know if you are doing it right. There will be time you are absolutely certain God was pointing you a certain direction and then you realize halfway there that was in no way the plan. That’s okay, it happens. Just turn around and pray on the way back so that maybe you get a clearer picture and can guess right the next time. God commends those that are actively trying to listen, even if we don’t always hear correctly. Four, don’t make decisions based on other people. Ever. Your life is between you and God. And sometimes that’s hard. There may be times that even your family doesn’t understand or agree with God’s calling for your life. But at the end of the day these are your earthly friends and earthly family and the only person you have to answer to is your Heavenly father. He determines a much larger fate for you than anyone down here. Five, don’t be afraid to go against the status quo. God may call you to do something different. It may be something He hasn’t called anyone else around you to do. But you have to commit to that. As the body of Christ, we HAVE to have people that are faithful enough to do something radical if God asks it of them. Fear is a tool of the devil. And sixth, if you are lucky enough to love someone as much as I love you, tell them every day. Tell everyone around you exactly how you feel. Because this life is too short for shame. There is no embarrassment in being brave enough to admit love. Love everyone. Dangerously and compassionately with your whole being. Even when it is not returned, there is no regretting love. It is perfect. God created it. Show it and express it every day, in every way, to everyone.
I miss being your sister. I miss having you as my best friend. I miss you every second of every day.
But I love you so much more.
Thank you for being mine.
Your loving big sister,
Elise
