Crossroads.

I believe that everyone has multiple sides to their personalities. Those that are naturally timid can still find themselves to be fearless at times and those that are rash can still have times of critical analyzing. It really more depends on the area of the situation. I have always been at an odd cross road with my reactions to problems. I can either be logical and emotionless, or extremely impulsive and scatter brained. Sometimes i act out of love and sometime i act out of fear. I am a control freak, but i get a thrill off of risky behavior. There are times i want everything planned to a tee, and there are times i want to react out of passion and see where it leads me. And usually my body and mind pull me in a certan direction according to the circumstances and i react. And then there is now. When i am standing here looking at my life and i have two options and have no CLUE which one feels safer. I can plan and analyze and stress, or i can wildly jump into the Universe and hope i succeed. And because i can't decide, i am just sitting. In a safe zone. Waiting for some sign from God i suppose. But i am fearful that sign is not going to come. Maybe this is the time in my life when God is sitting back and making me take the reigns. But i honestly don't know HOW. I want to be the old me. The passionate me. That trusted, and lept, and somehow fell on my feet because i willed myself to do so and pushed until i got there. But the new me wants safety and reassurance. The new me wants to know what lies ahead. And i truly can't figure out whether this new me is permanant, or just a defense mechanism built from my life experiences. When does it become natural to go from passion to logic?? Is that a normal transition?? Or is it our personal responsibility to dig within and find ourselves, regardless of the hurt we may have experienced?? Is that part of human perserverance?? Or are we supposed to actually learn from our mistakes and start approaching life differently?? Was our original selves wrong, or is that who we were made to be?? Were we hurt to teach us to play life safe, or were we hurt to make us stronger when we fall again?? How do we know when God put us through a trial to make us stronger, or to teach us a life lesson...?

Cyber Courage.

I am not one of those pessimistic people that looks at the world and thinks of how our generation is failing. Adults may say that we are, but odds are the adults of that generation said the same exact thing and yet somehow America has progressed. I am amazed by our generation. By the oppurtunities we have been given and i can't wait to see how we will take advantage of the resources provided. There are endless possibilites to what we can do. But in some ways i think we have fallen ridiculously off base. The interent, is purely brilliant. I can't imagine how one could even IMAGINE such a thing before it was in exsitence and now i believe that many people can't imagine a world without. It has provided such a tool to access information in a quick an effective manner. It has made a way for people to express their opinions and capture their individuality. It has provided an easier way for business to be held with countries overseas. And through Facebook people have been able to reconnect and rebuild relationships that otherwise might be lost without the convinient communications. And i will not be so bold as to claim i do not enjoy Facebook for it's social purposes. It's sad really, i am fairly addicted. But i do believe that sites like Facebook and Twitter, and let's not forget that good ole MySpace, create unrealistic lifestyles and expectations. Studies show that many girls get off Facebook feeling more depressed then they did when they signed on. We pose for pictures with our girlfriends, and take at least thirty, mainly so we can be sure to delete all the ones we feel are unflattering. So in most cases girls end up with.. Two. And then after we have posted our own pictures and an edited one to put as a new profile picture, we get tagged in all of the exact same pictures that were taken by five different cameras, and go through a untag all of the ones we don't like. Or comment on them and put OURSELVES down just to beat others to the punch. So it looks like you already know you 'look gross', so no one has to say anything. And then we sit there for HOURS going through other girls pictures and suddenly forget what a process that was, and believe that all of these girls are naturally that pretty and take great pictures and are so happy and so skinny when in reality, 90% of girls just went through that exact same gruelling process. And i am certainly a guilty party. Actually, i choose NOT to put up pictures, because i am too lazy to go through the process. We spend so much time trying to make the world believe we have this happy, perfect, blemish free life, but then fool ourselve into believing that others actually DO, and if we were more like them our lives would be beautiful too. And the sad part is, this isn't even the worst part of the internet. Somehow we brainwash ourselves into believing that the computer, is not a real world, and whatever is said and done on Twitter or Facebook is no big deal. We get cyber courage. And we say things that we would never have the guts to say to someone's face. Because those people "aren't really there"... We become these passive agressive, judgemental beings, absolutely hell-bent on making someone else miserable because now we are depressed from being on their page. So we get on Facebook with friends and spend HOURS on the NewsFeed just waiting for someone to post something we can make fun of or talk about. Girls LIVE for pictures of the underage pregnancies, and the ridiculous marriages albums, and the latest relationship status. And Twitter is overflowing with nicknames girls fashion for other girls so that their group of friends can hashtag the nickname and talk about the girl in front of them without them being able to say anything. And before we know it we get addicted to this feeling of power. You say one thing about a profile that makes a friend laugh, and you feel obligated to come up with something else, to continue holding attention. Or create one nickname that people find clever, and you feel like a leader, no matter what it is you are leading. Oblivious to the fact that while you are soaking up the glory, there is someone somewhere embarassed and angry. I had a nickname once. I wasn't popular enough to get on Twitter, but i was a HIT on Facebook. Muffin. A group of girls came up with that name due to my real cute muffin top i rocked in my heavier life. Clever huh..? And statuses were full of comments on this "Muffin" and all the things she did and how fat she was and what a whore she was. Meanwhile, i am watching but can't say a word. Because i wasn't suppose to know it was me. And if i said anything they would just attack me with how 'consceded' i was and remind me that not everything is about me. It's a very trapping feeling really. You feel obligated to stand up for yourself, but then feel that will only lead to more bullying. Provide more amo. It would be easier just to stay quiet, and hope someone else does something worthy of talking about. How sad. Being a teenager is hard enough without the confusion of yet another way to be put down. Facebook was a brilliant invention, and Twitter is fabulous, but the cyber bullying has become outrageous. Studies show that it is now the third leading cause of teen suicide. Topped only by drugs and family turmoil. This week, combat this. Post something encouraging on someone's wall, and then, LOG OFF. Read a book. Spend some time with your family. Go on a jog. Live a life, outside of the cyber world. You might find you missed playing ball with your dad. Or pealing peas with your mom. Or listening to your sister complain about her homework. Or wrestling with little brothers. Because that's living. You can have 5,000 friends on Facebook, but at the end of the day, only 30 of those would come to your funeral. Now don't get me wrong, i will continue to use my Facebook. But use it as something constructive, and brief. Close the computer, and open your eyes. There's probably a whole lot your missing.

Mike Nix- The most beautiful man i have ever met.

I have this terrible habit of believing that i have to be "strong" twenty four hours of the day, and seven days a week. I have in my mind that all these people depend on me to have the game face on all the time, when in reality i'm pretty sure no one is actually thinking that. I always use the phrase, "I'm fine." and my master plan for dealing with all life's difficulties is to push them aside and act like they didn't happen, and that they don't bother me. Brilliant. This method has worked in a lot of instances. To a certain extent i do believe that you choose your mood so i have always just decided to be happy and then slowy my mood naturally falls into happiness. Don't get me wrong, i am a happy person. And i do believe that God has used circumstances to mold me into a very strong person. But strength doesn't come from hiding your weaknesses. It comes from admitting them, and accepting them, and dealing with them. God made us to FEEL. He made us to hurt. I have been struggling a lot lately with the death of the most wonderful man i have ever known, Mike Nix. Mind you he passed away about a month and a half ago, but because of my inability to cope with life, i am just now starting to come to terms with this. And it is hitting me hard. I cried the day we found out. And at the funeral. And the first Sunday back from his death. But then, like all things, i pushed it aside. Brushed it under the rug. I conveniently found ways out of going to church and didn't go back for a solid three weeks after the funeral. Because i can't make myself confront things. And i knew that in that building, it was real. Until these past few days i have worn my brilliant poker face. Told everyone that i was doing fine. And when caught by a few with tear filled eyes, i brush them away quickly and contend that it was just an accident, i'm doing okay. I simply programmed my mind to believe that he was away on business. Probably another trip to Russia. I snapped at my siblings whenever they wanted to talk about him, and anyone else that wanted to bring him up i found an easy way to escape the conversation. But this Sunday was the first time that it really hit me. He wasn't mentioned really, no one forced this realization upon me. But a guest preacher walked up to the pulpit. And in my ignorant bliss i looked up and questioned where Mike was. The sad part is, it was an honest question. For that moment i had completely forgotten he was actually gone, and was confused as to why this stranger was stepping into his pulpit. These past few days have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Confusion being the strongest i believe. And as long as i live i don't know that i will ever really UNDERSTAND why this happened. So many people depended on Mike. To be their strength an encouragement. I know i did. He was at every single event. Plays, recitals, graduation. And he would always walk up just beaming, and congratulate me on my performance. Whether i was Townsperson #2 or the lead role. He had this amazing ability of making you feel like at that moment, you were the most important person in the world to him. I can't remember a time when he was talking to me, that i felt like he had anything more important to do. He never rushed you through because he had something better to do, or told you he didn't have time. He had this enormous heart, and somehow he managed to love everyone with the same amount of love. There were no best friends, or closest people to Mike. Somehow he made everyone his best friend. And i don't think anyone can fully understand that unless they had the privillege of knowing him. Anger is another emotin. I am angry at any guest preacher that comes and tramples on HIS pulpit. Which is awful and un-Christ like, but an honest emotion i am dealing with. I am angry that God allowed that man to be taken from his family. That family that deserves nothing but good things. I am angry and frustrated with myself. That i am not able to keep it together. That i'm not moving on. And i get angry when i fall apart in public. i feel like i don't have the right to be upset. There are many others i'm sure that had a much more intimate relationship with him. Pure sorrow is another one. My father says that i must get to a place where i stop mourning and start looking back fondly. And i have yet to get to that point. I still cry at the mention of his name, much less a picture. I don't think anyone can fully understand the GOODNESS he embodied. The purity of soul i have never seen in another human being. In his death, it felt like all good things were sucked from the world. He was that powerful. His presence alone, was THAT inspiring. And it makes it that much harder to move forward without him. I know that he is looking down on us. And i know that he is ready for us to move on. Knowing Mike, he would be down right embarassed of how much he is being talked about. But through all these negative emotions, i will say, through Mike's death i have found an even easier way to connect with God. God is difficult for me to picture, and think about. I have a difficult time even identifying what He is. And it's hard to have true and honest feelings for a being you don't fully feel you connect with. But i knew Mike, and i loved him very dearly. And i know that if he is up there watching me, there are some things i don't want him to see. So as i work on my relationship with God, and getting to a place where i connect solely with him, i am using Mike as my sounding board. As my angel on my shoulder. And any time i make a decision i take the time to have the counscious thought, "Is this something i would be proud of Mike seeing?" That thought process alone has truly changed the way i live my every day life. I'm not sure what all of this rambling was for. It did not impart any wisdom (not that i have any) or give any need to know imformation. I believe this post was strictly for me. My therapy, and my first time to really talk about losing the most precious man i have ever known. So thank you for allowing me to do so. If you are a praying person, please continue to do so for the Beltline congregation and the Nix family. I'm sure there are many that are continuing to heal.
I love you Mike. And i miss you terribly. Enjoy your well deserved rest.

Guilt Trips- One MIserable Vacation.

As a quick prequel to this post i would like to first recognize and alert that there is a strong change i will sound like a complete hyporcite throughout this entire thought. And that is fair. The subject is something i struggle with daily. But i think that is why God has placed in my heart recently. It's something He wants me to see and realize so here it goes, my risk at sounding like a utter jerk. There have been many times in my life that i have messed up and instead of dealing or apologizing i would simply internalize the problem. I would wallow in the sin for months without asking for help or fixing the original situation. I would push myself to keep it all in, to the point of depression and exhaustion. All for many reasons. Sometimes sadly, my pride. Sometimes honestly, because i don't want to be anyone's problem. Sometimes, because i felt like i had to be strong for everyone else (whoever that was). But many times this all could have been prevented with a simple apology and the ability to move on. So why do we guilt trip ourselves?? Why do we allow our cousciences to beat us down?? Because we want to feel balanced. Yes, i sound crazy, but i believe that is a huge part of what it is. We want to punish ourselves. Deep down we KNOW the right people would forgive us. And we KNOW that God would. But that isn't good enough for us. We can't except that sin we committed that seems so HUGE is just.. GONE. We have to make it bigger than that. Because it feels bigger. So we wallow and we hurt and we cry, because we think that's what we deserve. Or on the other side of the spectrum we feel that we can't apologize. Guilt trips may make us feel balanced, but they are internal. They don't show sorrow or regret. And they certainly don't show anyone that you are through with the sin you are stuggling with. I cannot name you the times i have guilted myself into doing something. Whether good or bad. I have let myself sin because i thought, "Well this must be WHO i am because this is what i DO." And labelled myself with my mistakes. And on the other side i have worked myself into exhaustion before, refusing to say no with volunteer hours and extra curriculars because i felt like i was doing so much bad i needed to do good just to even it all out. Guilt trips are counter productive. And they are far from what God wants. I think one beautiful aspect of God that we as humans simply CANNOT grasp is his ability to forgive and forget. Yes, we have been taught since we were young that he forgives, and that is wonderful in itself, but do we truly understand and remember that he FORGETS?? If i ask forgiveness today for disobeying, He forgives it. And when i bring it up again tomorrow, He will have no IDEA what i am talking about. Isn't that great?? We humans are not that amazing. We simply don't have that ability. Things are always going to be engrained in our minds and certain people are always going to remind us of certain things, there is no avoiding that. But with God, once you ask, He is done. Your slate is completely whiped clean. I believe in a righteous God. One that expects certain things from us. But i do not believe that God wants us to sit around making ourselves miserable. Even if He didnt love us as He says He does, guilting ourselves out of His work is not strengthening His kingdom. Stop feeling threatened by your sins. Stop letting the Devil bring them up everytime you want to do something good. A guilt trip is a trip down the road to sin. Hold your head high and know that you are FORGIVEN. That's what I'm going to do. :)

11 letters, BIG meaning.

Forgiveness. It is not a terribly long word. Eleven letters is hardly spelling bee worthy, and it is fairly easy to spell at that. The pronunciation is relativelly simple. It is not a word with multiple meanings, and when using it in a sentence it is always in the same context. It is not even that difficult to define. Forgiveness is a noun, meaning the act of forgiving, disposition or willingness to forgive. And forgive is a verb meaning to grant one pardon of a sin or transgression, to cease to feel resentment towards, to cancel liability of. But knowing the definition of a word has nothing to do with understanding the principle of it. Forgiveness, though easy in some aspects, is probably the most difficult word to acutally grasp and understand. And even further, to practice. Whenever forgiveness comes into play there is always someone that has been hurt. And we as humans, hate to be hurt. We hate to feel weak. We hate to deal with the pain of a situation. So we put up walls. We put up walls of anger and resentment and hate as opposed to dealing with the pain we have been caused. Many times, our hate is a false hatred. We do not hate the person, we hate the hurt and it is easier to block it out with anger than it is to cope. I think the sign of true forgiveness is not having to have an apology. But that is not how we are built. We want to HEAR that someone is sorry before we even THINK about forgiving them. But that is not how forgiveness is to be used. Forgiveness in reality, has nothing to do with the actual apology. Forgiveness is to be granted regardless, it is not to be contingient on the other person's actions. I say this lightly, but i don't think i am suggesting this is easy. It is an incredibly hard skill that is something you have to learn and master within your heart. But i will say, last night i got an apology. An apology i had waited on for two years. And the most beautiful part, was not the apology, the most beautiful part was leaving that room and realizing, that i was fine without it. That i had forgiven him regardless. I appreciated it of course, but i felt such a warmth in my heart to know that i was already done before i even entered that room. I couldn't tell you why. It could be the hours of prayer i sent to God. It could be the counscelling sessions. It could be the preperation. But i think that most of all, it was this. Whenever i think of great stories of forgiveness i think of the slave in Matthew chapter 18 verses 21-35. To put a Biblical story in human terms, a man owed the bank a million dollars. But when the bank called him and asked him where the money was, he fell to their feet begging for forgiveness. And the bank felt mercy upon him and told him that his debt was forgiven. The man then percedes to hunt down a man that worked for him, we will say a gardener. He grabbed the gardener by the throat and demanded the man pay him back the simple hundred dollars the gardener owed him. When the gardener had no way to pay the man, he threw him in jail and refused to release him until the debt was paid. Well the bank heard of this and called the man back in. Upon asking the man if the rumors were true the bank became infuriated and yelled at the man saying, "You wicked man, I cancelled all the debt because you begged me to. Shouldn't you then have had mercy on your fellow servent as i had on you??" I have made many mistakes in my life. I have sinned against many people. So if people can look at me, someone who has sinned against everyone in my life, and forgive me.. Who am i not to forgive someone of one trangression?? I have a list from here to China of all the things Jesus Christ nailed on that cross for me. I am the servant with a million dollars to pay. So who would i be if i turned around and strangled someone for the little "debt" they owe me?? I have realeased the hate in my heart. I have found strength within myself that i wasn't aware i had. And oh the burden that has been lifted from my shoulders. I wish everyone could feel the peace that is within my heart. If we all just learned to turn our hurt and hatred over to God and learned to forgive, TRULY forgive, our lives could be so much easier. The last thing i need on my list of trasgressions, is not being able to forgive. Because we as people are all simply, fellow God-made sinners.

Bead number 109.

I am a culture freak. I love learning about and studying other areas of the world and the unique things that make up their societies. It inspires me to see their convictions. In all areas. I love art and music. I love food and landscapes. I love architecture and monuments. But most of all, i love learning tiny bits of religious customs and sometimes using the basic principles to improve my own life. I am completely convicted and grounded in my own beliefs, but if there is a particular practice that could benefit me if applied correctly, i don't see it as a problem. I love to know things. I refuse to be ignorant. I refuse to act like my way is the only way. Because it is not. And there are many beautiful religions out there. God's way is the only way, but i believe there are many forms of worship God accepts, that are found all over the world. One small thing i have learned to appreciate lately is the japa mala. Now the japa mala is a string of beads that originated in India. They were used among the devout Hindus and Bhuddists to help them stay focused during prayerful meditation. The necklace was to be held in one hand and fingered in a circle. Everytime you touched a bead you repeated the mantra- or holy prayer. When the Crusades drove the Europeans west they observed this technique and brought it home to the Catholic church which evolved into what we know now as a rosary. Now here comes the cool part. Every japa mala is made with 108 beads. Eastern philosophers believe 108 is a number of perfection, it being a multiple of three and the numbers adding up to nine which is also a strand of three. Three we know is the number of ultimate perfection demonstrated throughout many cultures and mentioned in the Bible especially in referrance to the Holy Trinity. But the unique part of a true japa mala is the 109th bead. Every true japa mala has one. And of course most of logical people would assume is just an extra, like a button they put in those small baggies for sweaters and such. But the 109th bead has a very specific purpose. It dangles apart from the others as a centerpiece of balance and as your fingers cross the 109th bead you are to stop your meditation and pray a special prayer of thanksgiving for your life's teachers. Isn't that just beautiful?? I love how symbolic the Indian culture is. How they can take something as simple as a necklace and turn it into a tool for worship. But my point here is this... How many times a day do we stop and thank God for the people that got us here?? Now teachers come in many forms. Often we think of school and Bible class, but i believe teachers come any many shapes. Anyone that you learn something from or anyone that influences your life is a teacher. Every action, everthing you do originated from somewhere. Something you gleened from someone else. Every quirk and odd habit. None are your own. They all came from SOMEWHERE. Someone TAUGHT you to do that. Whether on purpose or subconscioulsy. And not all teachers are good. Sometimes the most important lessons in life are taught through very bad people. But you were taught either way. You learned and you grew. You take a piece of everyone with you. Everyone you meet and converse with. Some part of them is engrained within you. Now in twenty years only the truly influential will be remembered, but whether recognized or not, every teacher is a part of you. So i thank God for my teachers today. In whatever form they appeared. I thank God for Scott Bailey and Jordan Corlew. Both of which i will touch on many more times in the future. I am thankful for my parents and the amazing teachers they have been. I am thankful for my actual teachers, that supported me and helped me to succeed. I am thankful for my Bible school teachers, who felt i was special enough to partake in the beautiful message of Christ. And i am thankful for the rough spots in my life. The people that taught me by hurting me. Because as hard as it was, i have learned. And those are a few less lessons i will have to learn later in life. So let's remember the next time we pray to whatever God it is that we believe in, to thank the people that got us this far. And ask God to bless us with wonderful teachers to light our way in the future.

Getting a little bit stronger..

All my life, i have always had an overwhelming belief in people. In humans. A belief that deep down inside, even when the person themselves may be unaware, there is a longing to do good. A burning inside our mortal souls to be kind and give back. Some call me naive. Some call me childish. Some call it wishful thinking. But no matter how many times i am told i am wrong, i find a case that makes me right. I truly believe that everyone is capable of loving, and being loved in return. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. And i believe that if you take the time to believe in the good of people, you wont be dissapointed. All it takes is an open mind and heart and the willingness to care and learn about someone else. I have been referred to, as a term of endearment, as a "scum magnet". I befriend those that would otherwise not have any because i feel the duty to do so. I can't remember a time i didnt do this. Even when i was little, in kindergarten and such, i would look for the kid that was sitting alone and think, "There! That is going to be my friend today." And that seems to continue today. Somehow, i seem to attract people that need my help. And not because they looked for me of searched me out to help them, but because we happened upon each other and they needed something. And i love to give. I try to give anything i have to offer. Sometimes it's love and sometimes its attention. Sometimes its a friend and sometimes its just a shoulder to cry on for the day. And though i never find joy in others pain, i love the feeling of knowing that im comforting someone. That my precense in this world is acutally meaning something to someone else. I love knowing that God put me somewhere to do this work, and seeing it unfold before my eyes. But here is the problem. What happens when i get in too deep?? What happens when the comfortee need comforting?? If you are the strong one in every relationship, who do you have to lean on?? It hurts me more than anything to look at someone and have to admit to myself that i cant help them. But i cant. I cant help everyone and i cant solve everyones problems. Because believe it or not i have problems of my own. I think admitting this has been one of the hardest things for me. Seeing someone suffereing and having to remove myself from the situation because i am not emotionally strong enough. I would much rather dive in. Think nothing of myself and care for this poor person that needs someone. But occasionally, you have to think of yourself. And do what's healthy and best for you. Often i am reminded of the difficult scene in the Notebook when Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are fighting in his driveway. Rachel's character has just realized her fiancee is in town and now has to make a huge decision on which love to go with. At this point she is leaving to explain things to her fiancee without any clue as to who she is choosing. She makes the statment the no matter who she chooses someone will get hurt. And Ryan Gosling is angered by this. He tells her to stop thinking about everybody else and do what's best for HER. I can't imagine doing that. Removing all the variables of a situation and just thinking about YOU. But maybe that's safest. Maybe that would be best. If we removed all variables and did what was best for us individually. Not selfishly, but did for us what was healthy for us.  One of my dear friends Delisa introduced a song to me at a very difficult time in my life. And the title of my blog is a phrase from this song, "A Little Bit Stronger." This is definately a phrase that snapshots my life right now. I have had many devestations within the past year but i have come to terms with them and dealt with my demons. And now i am just getting stronger. With every breathe i take. I am living for the Lord and it has been a beautifully freeing experince. Right now, I'm having to focus on me. Completely and totally. Baby feeding myself everyday just so i get a little bit stronger. As painful as this is, i know this is the Lord's challenge to me. So here it begins. A blog on my journey to strength. Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. :)