He's done it again..

I don’t there could have been a more inconvenient time for my sister to have left this earth. It seems as though anytime we get to a good place, there is some sort of holiday or tradition that shows up to remind us of the tragic turns our lives have taken.  We were forced to recognize Christmas three weeks after she was gone, having to stare at empty stockings and vacant spaces under the tree. New Year’s followed closely which brought the aching reality that Bailey would not be a part of 2012 or any year to follow. Valentine’s Day flickered past without the person I love the most and the opportunity to tell her so. Saint Patrick’s Day, which doubles as sweet Bailey’s birthday, turned a day of celebration into a reminder of her inability to age. And finally Easter with an empty egg basket and a missing person in our family pictures. However, the end of the semester is near and I cannot express what a relief that is for me. I left Decatur a month after the accident nervous and lonely and am leaving with the ability to live on my own with confidence and a few lifelong friends. I will not miss Troy. I discovered quickly it is not the place for me. I always viewed it as a transition, and I am ready to put this part of my life behind me. This semester was about healing, and though I am not as strong as I could be, I see myself growing a little bit stronger daily. It’s funny how I started a blog two years ago as a quest to strength and here I am now, doing the same thing. God never stops giving you opportunities to improve yourself. At times, I am thankful for the challenge he put before me. Don’t get me wrong, I would bring my sister back today if it were an option, but God has showed me a lot about myself and my faith through this loss. I was not the person I am now two years ago. I was lost and looking for myself in all the wrong places and all the wrong people. I defined myself by the actions I felt I couldn’t escape.  When I finally got the help I needed and turned my life over to my Maker, I spent quite a bit of time avoiding any encounters with any kind of temptation. Whereas that was certainly what I needed at the time, I sometimes found myself wondering if my faith was solid because there were no obstacles in my path. If I was loving God in the good days, because I had seen the bad. But what would I become if my life wasn’t perfect? Would I return to that person? Is that who I was? Is this a façade I was putting up for those around me? I spent honest time questioning the validity of my love for God. Did I love the material things He had blessed me with and the ease of my life and in that way defined God? Or was my love for Him true? Was my faith Facebook statuses and quotes, or was I a true representative of my Savior? And I would wrestle with that for hours. I prayed for God to challenge me, to give me an opportunity to show Him my faith was real. To prove to the church that had held me up and invested such time and effort into me, that I was an honest soldier of God. That I was someone who could lead their children and someone they could feel comfortable supporting. Someone others could look up to and not see me, but see the grace of God and how far He will go to rescue His lost lamb. And see a success story because of Jesus Christ and not only Him, but what He can do through His people. So others could see God through my parents that through their determination and undying love for me, used every resource at their disposal to help me see the true child of God I was and that I was raised to be. Through my siblings that regardless of the things they heard from their friends, believed in me and the person they knew I was. Through my best friend Jo, who became another sibling with her dedication to me and her patience with my behavior. Through my church, that found a way to forgive a sinner that had brought shame to the name of such a place as Beltline and spent hours in prayer for a solution. I needed to show to all these and more, that what they had invested in me, was not a waste. And sometimes, you get more than you feel like you asked for. I asked God for a challenge, and He gave me one. A big one. He allowed my sister to come home to Him early, and allowed it to be less than a month before I would leave the city I was raised in for the first time. But I am sitting here now with less than three weeks to go on the worst five months of my life, and I can’t help but feel confident that I accepted my challenge and have done my very best. I have not done everything perfect, and I will continue to not do so. I am human, and God understands that. But yet again I find myself overwhelmed with His love for me. With His grace, I will be able to put this semester behind me and move on with my life, stronger than before. He has surrounded me with His love and His people just as He has done always. I look forward to a summer at home with my family, friends, and church. I have far more healing to do, and I am happy I will be home with that people that love me most to hold me up and help me through. For all the prayers and cards and words of encouragement throughout the semester, I am truly thankful. It was things such as these that helped me make it. Never doubt that your words are wasted. I smile every time any little words of encouragement come my way. Continue to be the amazing people you are. There is always someone that could use it. 22 days to go, I will see you all very soon.