11 letters, BIG meaning.

Forgiveness. It is not a terribly long word. Eleven letters is hardly spelling bee worthy, and it is fairly easy to spell at that. The pronunciation is relativelly simple. It is not a word with multiple meanings, and when using it in a sentence it is always in the same context. It is not even that difficult to define. Forgiveness is a noun, meaning the act of forgiving, disposition or willingness to forgive. And forgive is a verb meaning to grant one pardon of a sin or transgression, to cease to feel resentment towards, to cancel liability of. But knowing the definition of a word has nothing to do with understanding the principle of it. Forgiveness, though easy in some aspects, is probably the most difficult word to acutally grasp and understand. And even further, to practice. Whenever forgiveness comes into play there is always someone that has been hurt. And we as humans, hate to be hurt. We hate to feel weak. We hate to deal with the pain of a situation. So we put up walls. We put up walls of anger and resentment and hate as opposed to dealing with the pain we have been caused. Many times, our hate is a false hatred. We do not hate the person, we hate the hurt and it is easier to block it out with anger than it is to cope. I think the sign of true forgiveness is not having to have an apology. But that is not how we are built. We want to HEAR that someone is sorry before we even THINK about forgiving them. But that is not how forgiveness is to be used. Forgiveness in reality, has nothing to do with the actual apology. Forgiveness is to be granted regardless, it is not to be contingient on the other person's actions. I say this lightly, but i don't think i am suggesting this is easy. It is an incredibly hard skill that is something you have to learn and master within your heart. But i will say, last night i got an apology. An apology i had waited on for two years. And the most beautiful part, was not the apology, the most beautiful part was leaving that room and realizing, that i was fine without it. That i had forgiven him regardless. I appreciated it of course, but i felt such a warmth in my heart to know that i was already done before i even entered that room. I couldn't tell you why. It could be the hours of prayer i sent to God. It could be the counscelling sessions. It could be the preperation. But i think that most of all, it was this. Whenever i think of great stories of forgiveness i think of the slave in Matthew chapter 18 verses 21-35. To put a Biblical story in human terms, a man owed the bank a million dollars. But when the bank called him and asked him where the money was, he fell to their feet begging for forgiveness. And the bank felt mercy upon him and told him that his debt was forgiven. The man then percedes to hunt down a man that worked for him, we will say a gardener. He grabbed the gardener by the throat and demanded the man pay him back the simple hundred dollars the gardener owed him. When the gardener had no way to pay the man, he threw him in jail and refused to release him until the debt was paid. Well the bank heard of this and called the man back in. Upon asking the man if the rumors were true the bank became infuriated and yelled at the man saying, "You wicked man, I cancelled all the debt because you begged me to. Shouldn't you then have had mercy on your fellow servent as i had on you??" I have made many mistakes in my life. I have sinned against many people. So if people can look at me, someone who has sinned against everyone in my life, and forgive me.. Who am i not to forgive someone of one trangression?? I have a list from here to China of all the things Jesus Christ nailed on that cross for me. I am the servant with a million dollars to pay. So who would i be if i turned around and strangled someone for the little "debt" they owe me?? I have realeased the hate in my heart. I have found strength within myself that i wasn't aware i had. And oh the burden that has been lifted from my shoulders. I wish everyone could feel the peace that is within my heart. If we all just learned to turn our hurt and hatred over to God and learned to forgive, TRULY forgive, our lives could be so much easier. The last thing i need on my list of trasgressions, is not being able to forgive. Because we as people are all simply, fellow God-made sinners.

Bead number 109.

I am a culture freak. I love learning about and studying other areas of the world and the unique things that make up their societies. It inspires me to see their convictions. In all areas. I love art and music. I love food and landscapes. I love architecture and monuments. But most of all, i love learning tiny bits of religious customs and sometimes using the basic principles to improve my own life. I am completely convicted and grounded in my own beliefs, but if there is a particular practice that could benefit me if applied correctly, i don't see it as a problem. I love to know things. I refuse to be ignorant. I refuse to act like my way is the only way. Because it is not. And there are many beautiful religions out there. God's way is the only way, but i believe there are many forms of worship God accepts, that are found all over the world. One small thing i have learned to appreciate lately is the japa mala. Now the japa mala is a string of beads that originated in India. They were used among the devout Hindus and Bhuddists to help them stay focused during prayerful meditation. The necklace was to be held in one hand and fingered in a circle. Everytime you touched a bead you repeated the mantra- or holy prayer. When the Crusades drove the Europeans west they observed this technique and brought it home to the Catholic church which evolved into what we know now as a rosary. Now here comes the cool part. Every japa mala is made with 108 beads. Eastern philosophers believe 108 is a number of perfection, it being a multiple of three and the numbers adding up to nine which is also a strand of three. Three we know is the number of ultimate perfection demonstrated throughout many cultures and mentioned in the Bible especially in referrance to the Holy Trinity. But the unique part of a true japa mala is the 109th bead. Every true japa mala has one. And of course most of logical people would assume is just an extra, like a button they put in those small baggies for sweaters and such. But the 109th bead has a very specific purpose. It dangles apart from the others as a centerpiece of balance and as your fingers cross the 109th bead you are to stop your meditation and pray a special prayer of thanksgiving for your life's teachers. Isn't that just beautiful?? I love how symbolic the Indian culture is. How they can take something as simple as a necklace and turn it into a tool for worship. But my point here is this... How many times a day do we stop and thank God for the people that got us here?? Now teachers come in many forms. Often we think of school and Bible class, but i believe teachers come any many shapes. Anyone that you learn something from or anyone that influences your life is a teacher. Every action, everthing you do originated from somewhere. Something you gleened from someone else. Every quirk and odd habit. None are your own. They all came from SOMEWHERE. Someone TAUGHT you to do that. Whether on purpose or subconscioulsy. And not all teachers are good. Sometimes the most important lessons in life are taught through very bad people. But you were taught either way. You learned and you grew. You take a piece of everyone with you. Everyone you meet and converse with. Some part of them is engrained within you. Now in twenty years only the truly influential will be remembered, but whether recognized or not, every teacher is a part of you. So i thank God for my teachers today. In whatever form they appeared. I thank God for Scott Bailey and Jordan Corlew. Both of which i will touch on many more times in the future. I am thankful for my parents and the amazing teachers they have been. I am thankful for my actual teachers, that supported me and helped me to succeed. I am thankful for my Bible school teachers, who felt i was special enough to partake in the beautiful message of Christ. And i am thankful for the rough spots in my life. The people that taught me by hurting me. Because as hard as it was, i have learned. And those are a few less lessons i will have to learn later in life. So let's remember the next time we pray to whatever God it is that we believe in, to thank the people that got us this far. And ask God to bless us with wonderful teachers to light our way in the future.

Getting a little bit stronger..

All my life, i have always had an overwhelming belief in people. In humans. A belief that deep down inside, even when the person themselves may be unaware, there is a longing to do good. A burning inside our mortal souls to be kind and give back. Some call me naive. Some call me childish. Some call it wishful thinking. But no matter how many times i am told i am wrong, i find a case that makes me right. I truly believe that everyone is capable of loving, and being loved in return. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. And i believe that if you take the time to believe in the good of people, you wont be dissapointed. All it takes is an open mind and heart and the willingness to care and learn about someone else. I have been referred to, as a term of endearment, as a "scum magnet". I befriend those that would otherwise not have any because i feel the duty to do so. I can't remember a time i didnt do this. Even when i was little, in kindergarten and such, i would look for the kid that was sitting alone and think, "There! That is going to be my friend today." And that seems to continue today. Somehow, i seem to attract people that need my help. And not because they looked for me of searched me out to help them, but because we happened upon each other and they needed something. And i love to give. I try to give anything i have to offer. Sometimes it's love and sometimes its attention. Sometimes its a friend and sometimes its just a shoulder to cry on for the day. And though i never find joy in others pain, i love the feeling of knowing that im comforting someone. That my precense in this world is acutally meaning something to someone else. I love knowing that God put me somewhere to do this work, and seeing it unfold before my eyes. But here is the problem. What happens when i get in too deep?? What happens when the comfortee need comforting?? If you are the strong one in every relationship, who do you have to lean on?? It hurts me more than anything to look at someone and have to admit to myself that i cant help them. But i cant. I cant help everyone and i cant solve everyones problems. Because believe it or not i have problems of my own. I think admitting this has been one of the hardest things for me. Seeing someone suffereing and having to remove myself from the situation because i am not emotionally strong enough. I would much rather dive in. Think nothing of myself and care for this poor person that needs someone. But occasionally, you have to think of yourself. And do what's healthy and best for you. Often i am reminded of the difficult scene in the Notebook when Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are fighting in his driveway. Rachel's character has just realized her fiancee is in town and now has to make a huge decision on which love to go with. At this point she is leaving to explain things to her fiancee without any clue as to who she is choosing. She makes the statment the no matter who she chooses someone will get hurt. And Ryan Gosling is angered by this. He tells her to stop thinking about everybody else and do what's best for HER. I can't imagine doing that. Removing all the variables of a situation and just thinking about YOU. But maybe that's safest. Maybe that would be best. If we removed all variables and did what was best for us individually. Not selfishly, but did for us what was healthy for us.  One of my dear friends Delisa introduced a song to me at a very difficult time in my life. And the title of my blog is a phrase from this song, "A Little Bit Stronger." This is definately a phrase that snapshots my life right now. I have had many devestations within the past year but i have come to terms with them and dealt with my demons. And now i am just getting stronger. With every breathe i take. I am living for the Lord and it has been a beautifully freeing experince. Right now, I'm having to focus on me. Completely and totally. Baby feeding myself everyday just so i get a little bit stronger. As painful as this is, i know this is the Lord's challenge to me. So here it begins. A blog on my journey to strength. Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. :)