I have this terrible habit of believing that i have to be "strong" twenty four hours of the day, and seven days a week. I have in my mind that all these people depend on me to have the game face on all the time, when in reality i'm pretty sure no one is actually thinking that. I always use the phrase, "I'm fine." and my master plan for dealing with all life's difficulties is to push them aside and act like they didn't happen, and that they don't bother me. Brilliant. This method has worked in a lot of instances. To a certain extent i do believe that you choose your mood so i have always just decided to be happy and then slowy my mood naturally falls into happiness. Don't get me wrong, i am a happy person. And i do believe that God has used circumstances to mold me into a very strong person. But strength doesn't come from hiding your weaknesses. It comes from admitting them, and accepting them, and dealing with them. God made us to FEEL. He made us to hurt. I have been struggling a lot lately with the death of the most wonderful man i have ever known, Mike Nix. Mind you he passed away about a month and a half ago, but because of my inability to cope with life, i am just now starting to come to terms with this. And it is hitting me hard. I cried the day we found out. And at the funeral. And the first Sunday back from his death. But then, like all things, i pushed it aside. Brushed it under the rug. I conveniently found ways out of going to church and didn't go back for a solid three weeks after the funeral. Because i can't make myself confront things. And i knew that in that building, it was real. Until these past few days i have worn my brilliant poker face. Told everyone that i was doing fine. And when caught by a few with tear filled eyes, i brush them away quickly and contend that it was just an accident, i'm doing okay. I simply programmed my mind to believe that he was away on business. Probably another trip to Russia. I snapped at my siblings whenever they wanted to talk about him, and anyone else that wanted to bring him up i found an easy way to escape the conversation. But this Sunday was the first time that it really hit me. He wasn't mentioned really, no one forced this realization upon me. But a guest preacher walked up to the pulpit. And in my ignorant bliss i looked up and questioned where Mike was. The sad part is, it was an honest question. For that moment i had completely forgotten he was actually gone, and was confused as to why this stranger was stepping into his pulpit. These past few days have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Confusion being the strongest i believe. And as long as i live i don't know that i will ever really UNDERSTAND why this happened. So many people depended on Mike. To be their strength an encouragement. I know i did. He was at every single event. Plays, recitals, graduation. And he would always walk up just beaming, and congratulate me on my performance. Whether i was Townsperson #2 or the lead role. He had this amazing ability of making you feel like at that moment, you were the most important person in the world to him. I can't remember a time when he was talking to me, that i felt like he had anything more important to do. He never rushed you through because he had something better to do, or told you he didn't have time. He had this enormous heart, and somehow he managed to love everyone with the same amount of love. There were no best friends, or closest people to Mike. Somehow he made everyone his best friend. And i don't think anyone can fully understand that unless they had the privillege of knowing him. Anger is another emotin. I am angry at any guest preacher that comes and tramples on HIS pulpit. Which is awful and un-Christ like, but an honest emotion i am dealing with. I am angry that God allowed that man to be taken from his family. That family that deserves nothing but good things. I am angry and frustrated with myself. That i am not able to keep it together. That i'm not moving on. And i get angry when i fall apart in public. i feel like i don't have the right to be upset. There are many others i'm sure that had a much more intimate relationship with him. Pure sorrow is another one. My father says that i must get to a place where i stop mourning and start looking back fondly. And i have yet to get to that point. I still cry at the mention of his name, much less a picture. I don't think anyone can fully understand the GOODNESS he embodied. The purity of soul i have never seen in another human being. In his death, it felt like all good things were sucked from the world. He was that powerful. His presence alone, was THAT inspiring. And it makes it that much harder to move forward without him. I know that he is looking down on us. And i know that he is ready for us to move on. Knowing Mike, he would be down right embarassed of how much he is being talked about. But through all these negative emotions, i will say, through Mike's death i have found an even easier way to connect with God. God is difficult for me to picture, and think about. I have a difficult time even identifying what He is. And it's hard to have true and honest feelings for a being you don't fully feel you connect with. But i knew Mike, and i loved him very dearly. And i know that if he is up there watching me, there are some things i don't want him to see. So as i work on my relationship with God, and getting to a place where i connect solely with him, i am using Mike as my sounding board. As my angel on my shoulder. And any time i make a decision i take the time to have the counscious thought, "Is this something i would be proud of Mike seeing?" That thought process alone has truly changed the way i live my every day life. I'm not sure what all of this rambling was for. It did not impart any wisdom (not that i have any) or give any need to know imformation. I believe this post was strictly for me. My therapy, and my first time to really talk about losing the most precious man i have ever known. So thank you for allowing me to do so. If you are a praying person, please continue to do so for the Beltline congregation and the Nix family. I'm sure there are many that are continuing to heal.
I love you Mike. And i miss you terribly. Enjoy your well deserved rest.
