Dear Bailey,
At three years old, I was granted the greatest role of my entire life. At the time I was unaware of its implications and the true severity of this honor God had given me, but nonetheless I became the older sister of a blonde haired, green eyed little girl. You came into my life quietly, and remained that way most of the time. You were sweet, and passive, and happy to do whatever I wanted. And you did. We would play tea party for hours, but only if I got to pour the tea. We could play pretend for days, but I had to assign the parts. And you normally ended up as a tree or the male. Yet after all this abuse you still found a way to absolutely adore me and rarely had any problems with any of my stipulations. Maybe you didn’t know better. Maybe I was intimidating or convincing. Or maybe you just understood that loving me, was more important than beating me. But those things were small. No harm done there. We were children. We lived in light and danced in happiness. But things changed. Teenage years came around and the light turned to dark and confusion was the only thing dancing and I became a person you didn’t recognize. A person you couldn’t possibly have been proud of. A person you were ridiculed to even be associated with. But with a strength I will never understand, you managed to love me through it. You could spend a day at school filled with people trashing my name and telling you dreadful things about me, but you could still come home and lay on my bed, and ask me about MY day. You believed in me, when very little had the ability to do so. And then I came back. The light wins, victory is ours and we are reunited again. For a little while. But then someone needed you more. For whatever reason you were called away from this earth and for the first time in our lives, we were separated. But I persevered. And here we are a year later and the light is still prevailing. And when I think of these things, I can’t help but feel like I have heard a form of this story before. There seemed to be another man that loved those that didn’t deserve his love. A man that was ridiculed for his seemingly immoral company. A man that believed in those that no one else could. A man that was taken from this earth to serve his higher purpose elsewhere. And it completely baffles me that my entire life I looked for Jesus. I looked for a living breathing person that I could see Jesus in. And as I was searching, God continued to throw the answer in my face. I asked you to move over so I could see past you and continue looking for this outstanding example. But you were right there. YOU were what God was trying to show me.
There are no words for this day. There is no way to form thoughts around the dread and anxiety that comes with this date. You my dear, may never understand the tremendous impact you had on this earth. Even if I were able to tell you, you would not believe me. Sometimes we play the “if it had been me” game, but I have found such comfort in knowing that God planned this perfectly. Your voice, even in death, is so much louder than mine. And I tried my entire life to be loud. But that wasn’t the point, was it? Because while I was putting on a show and trying to PROVE who I was, you were just quietly living it out. And that’s what made the difference. You didn’t need a stage or a flashy song, you were happy to humbly serve your God in your way. And that’s the real lesson here. The loudest voice, the moving leaders, and the most effective examples are quite simply, the sincere. The Christians that are willing to live out their lives humbly, and possibly without any credit at all.
You need to know that I am fine. In fact, I am the lucky one. I got a chance to spend 15 years of my life with the greatest person this world has seen in a long time, and I even had the honor of calling her my sister and my best friend. I know I will always miss you. And this will hurt in years to come. I will want you at my wedding, and that is not possible. I will want you to be an aunt to my children, but that cannot happen. I will need you when our parents die, but you cannot be here. I will want you to grow old with me, but that is also out of reach. And I wont lie to you and tell you I wont cry. There will be days that I am angry, and days that I am happy. Sometimes I might be bitter, and others I might be positive. There will be days that I triumph in every way, and there will also be days that I sit in the bottom of the shower and bawl. But that’s okay. I count it all as gain. I am so thankful that the Lord gave me someone that was this hard to lose. This kind of love doesn’t always happen, and I cant imagine a life where this didn’t hurt as much as it does! Because that would have been a life without your love. So after a year, here is what I need to say.
Thank you. For being the most caring, compassionate, wonderful sister a girl could ever have.
I’m sorry. For all the times I made it difficult to be my sister.
And here’s what I ask of you in the future. When I grab my necklace know that I am directly connecting with you. It’s my way of holding your hand. When I sing, know I am at my happiest, and you need not to worry. When I speak, know that I feel wildly accomplished and your always in the crowd in my head. When I give, know that I usually picture you as the recipient. When I write, know that I feel closest to God. It’s the one time I am able to strip down my walls and truly be a vessel. I feel the Holy Spirit move through my fingers and I would have never known about this channel without you. When I scratch the back of my neck, know that I am stressed and I could use some peace if possible. When I run, know that I am trying to clear my head, and help me keep it empty. When I cry, know I need to feel you there. I don’t care how, I just do. And when I smile, know that a large part of any happiness is due to you. And whenever either of those precious boys needs me, KNOW I will be there no matter what.
There is no graceful way to end a letter to Heaven. I really do not know if you “read” these or how any of that works, but I believe that in some way, you receive whatever message I am trying to send. I hope that after this year you are able to look down on me with some sort of pride. It was hard, but I did it all for you. I miss you, and I promise I will never ever stop trying. Every day I will wake in the morning and actively pursue the Lord and I will do whatever it takes to make it to you one day. And to bring everyone that I can with me. I love you sweet sister. Thank you for everything.
Your loving big sister,
Elise
At three years old, I was granted the greatest role of my entire life. At the time I was unaware of its implications and the true severity of this honor God had given me, but nonetheless I became the older sister of a blonde haired, green eyed little girl. You came into my life quietly, and remained that way most of the time. You were sweet, and passive, and happy to do whatever I wanted. And you did. We would play tea party for hours, but only if I got to pour the tea. We could play pretend for days, but I had to assign the parts. And you normally ended up as a tree or the male. Yet after all this abuse you still found a way to absolutely adore me and rarely had any problems with any of my stipulations. Maybe you didn’t know better. Maybe I was intimidating or convincing. Or maybe you just understood that loving me, was more important than beating me. But those things were small. No harm done there. We were children. We lived in light and danced in happiness. But things changed. Teenage years came around and the light turned to dark and confusion was the only thing dancing and I became a person you didn’t recognize. A person you couldn’t possibly have been proud of. A person you were ridiculed to even be associated with. But with a strength I will never understand, you managed to love me through it. You could spend a day at school filled with people trashing my name and telling you dreadful things about me, but you could still come home and lay on my bed, and ask me about MY day. You believed in me, when very little had the ability to do so. And then I came back. The light wins, victory is ours and we are reunited again. For a little while. But then someone needed you more. For whatever reason you were called away from this earth and for the first time in our lives, we were separated. But I persevered. And here we are a year later and the light is still prevailing. And when I think of these things, I can’t help but feel like I have heard a form of this story before. There seemed to be another man that loved those that didn’t deserve his love. A man that was ridiculed for his seemingly immoral company. A man that believed in those that no one else could. A man that was taken from this earth to serve his higher purpose elsewhere. And it completely baffles me that my entire life I looked for Jesus. I looked for a living breathing person that I could see Jesus in. And as I was searching, God continued to throw the answer in my face. I asked you to move over so I could see past you and continue looking for this outstanding example. But you were right there. YOU were what God was trying to show me.
There are no words for this day. There is no way to form thoughts around the dread and anxiety that comes with this date. You my dear, may never understand the tremendous impact you had on this earth. Even if I were able to tell you, you would not believe me. Sometimes we play the “if it had been me” game, but I have found such comfort in knowing that God planned this perfectly. Your voice, even in death, is so much louder than mine. And I tried my entire life to be loud. But that wasn’t the point, was it? Because while I was putting on a show and trying to PROVE who I was, you were just quietly living it out. And that’s what made the difference. You didn’t need a stage or a flashy song, you were happy to humbly serve your God in your way. And that’s the real lesson here. The loudest voice, the moving leaders, and the most effective examples are quite simply, the sincere. The Christians that are willing to live out their lives humbly, and possibly without any credit at all.
You need to know that I am fine. In fact, I am the lucky one. I got a chance to spend 15 years of my life with the greatest person this world has seen in a long time, and I even had the honor of calling her my sister and my best friend. I know I will always miss you. And this will hurt in years to come. I will want you at my wedding, and that is not possible. I will want you to be an aunt to my children, but that cannot happen. I will need you when our parents die, but you cannot be here. I will want you to grow old with me, but that is also out of reach. And I wont lie to you and tell you I wont cry. There will be days that I am angry, and days that I am happy. Sometimes I might be bitter, and others I might be positive. There will be days that I triumph in every way, and there will also be days that I sit in the bottom of the shower and bawl. But that’s okay. I count it all as gain. I am so thankful that the Lord gave me someone that was this hard to lose. This kind of love doesn’t always happen, and I cant imagine a life where this didn’t hurt as much as it does! Because that would have been a life without your love. So after a year, here is what I need to say.
Thank you. For being the most caring, compassionate, wonderful sister a girl could ever have.
I’m sorry. For all the times I made it difficult to be my sister.
And here’s what I ask of you in the future. When I grab my necklace know that I am directly connecting with you. It’s my way of holding your hand. When I sing, know I am at my happiest, and you need not to worry. When I speak, know that I feel wildly accomplished and your always in the crowd in my head. When I give, know that I usually picture you as the recipient. When I write, know that I feel closest to God. It’s the one time I am able to strip down my walls and truly be a vessel. I feel the Holy Spirit move through my fingers and I would have never known about this channel without you. When I scratch the back of my neck, know that I am stressed and I could use some peace if possible. When I run, know that I am trying to clear my head, and help me keep it empty. When I cry, know I need to feel you there. I don’t care how, I just do. And when I smile, know that a large part of any happiness is due to you. And whenever either of those precious boys needs me, KNOW I will be there no matter what.
There is no graceful way to end a letter to Heaven. I really do not know if you “read” these or how any of that works, but I believe that in some way, you receive whatever message I am trying to send. I hope that after this year you are able to look down on me with some sort of pride. It was hard, but I did it all for you. I miss you, and I promise I will never ever stop trying. Every day I will wake in the morning and actively pursue the Lord and I will do whatever it takes to make it to you one day. And to bring everyone that I can with me. I love you sweet sister. Thank you for everything.
Your loving big sister,
Elise
