My sister and I are very different beings. My sister is quiet and understanding. I am loud and stubborn. My sister is sweet and forgiving. I am harsh and occasionally vindictive. My sister has a sweet and gentle spirit. I have a spirit of passion and perseverance. My sister likes to play by the rules. I like to break them and make new ones. My sister learns from listening. I have to learn from experience. My sister is reserved and content. I am outgoing and unsettled. And what’s funny about the two of us is that we were both very jealous of one another. Not in a way that caused problems, but in a way of respect. Of course I had too much pride to ever admit that to her, but I never understood the contentment my sister seemed to have in all aspects of her life. Part of my constant ventures were fueled by fear that if I didn’t continue people would stop inviting me. I would cease to exist if I didn’t keep my presence known and obvious. But my sister was fully confident in her relationships and she felt completely comfortable to do what it was SHE wanted to do, and those that loved and cared for her would either join her, or still invite her the next time. I never understood that mindset. I am constantly working on my relationships. If not mending them I’m working to make them better. But my sister could sit back and allow things to work themselves out, and that drove me insane. As I have thought on this I must conclude that it was her flawless faith in God and His ways that allowed her to function in this manner. That was another thing that I envied- her faith. My sister and I are very different servants of God. I am always looking for the next thing, but I have a very narrow view. I look in my talent areas, and assume that because God gave me those gifts He would only ask me to work in those areas. Consequently, if I looked for an opportunity to speak, and none arose, I concluded that God didn’t need me, instead of searching in other areas. My sister waited patiently for God to put something in front of her, and then she responded regardless. It didn’t have to be something she was good at, she would do her best. I have never been able to do that. If I wasn’t going to be the best at something, I didn’t do it. I would rather have the excuse of not participating, than have to explain to someone that I wasn’t good enough. My sister didn’t need that crutch. She didn’t have to be THE best, she just had to do HER best, and I still struggle with that mindset. My sister taught me more in her fifteen years of life than anyone I have ever known. I hate that it took her passing for me to LISTEN to what she was telling me. But as I look back on very conversation and every tiny bit of encouragement, I see deeper and more meaningful lessons unfold. There was an underlying message that came with every one of her utterances. I know when she told me to break a leg she meant, “Do this unto the Lord, for He has given you this gift.” When she told me that she missed me she meant, “I miss the effect God allows you to have on my life.” When she said that she wishes we spent more time together she meant, “I wish you had more confidence in yourself, and could allow yourself to pull away from outside people.” When she told me I was a goofball she meant, “I am thankful God allows you to bring joy to my life.” When she told me to leave her room she meant, “Stay as long as you want.” And when she told me she loved me she meant, “I love you with the love of the Lord. God allowed us to be sisters and I will forever be grateful to Him.” When I look back on the simple things she said to me, they bloom into far greater memories. My sister had the Lord in her heart and I am confident everything she said to anyone held a deeper message than they understood. Though the price was great, I am glad God gave me the opportunity to truly listen to my sister. Her words hold far more meaning now than they may ever have in life. God is always working. Glory to Him forever.
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