Thursday, October 13, 2011
Crossroads.
I believe that everyone has multiple sides to their personalities. Those that are naturally timid can still find themselves to be fearless at times and those that are rash can still have times of critical analyzing. It really more depends on the area of the situation. I have always been at an odd cross road with my reactions to problems. I can either be logical and emotionless, or extremely impulsive and scatter brained. Sometimes i act out of love and sometime i act out of fear. I am a control freak, but i get a thrill off of risky behavior. There are times i want everything planned to a tee, and there are times i want to react out of passion and see where it leads me. And usually my body and mind pull me in a certan direction according to the circumstances and i react. And then there is now. When i am standing here looking at my life and i have two options and have no CLUE which one feels safer. I can plan and analyze and stress, or i can wildly jump into the Universe and hope i succeed. And because i can't decide, i am just sitting. In a safe zone. Waiting for some sign from God i suppose. But i am fearful that sign is not going to come. Maybe this is the time in my life when God is sitting back and making me take the reigns. But i honestly don't know HOW. I want to be the old me. The passionate me. That trusted, and lept, and somehow fell on my feet because i willed myself to do so and pushed until i got there. But the new me wants safety and reassurance. The new me wants to know what lies ahead. And i truly can't figure out whether this new me is permanant, or just a defense mechanism built from my life experiences. When does it become natural to go from passion to logic?? Is that a normal transition?? Or is it our personal responsibility to dig within and find ourselves, regardless of the hurt we may have experienced?? Is that part of human perserverance?? Or are we supposed to actually learn from our mistakes and start approaching life differently?? Was our original selves wrong, or is that who we were made to be?? Were we hurt to teach us to play life safe, or were we hurt to make us stronger when we fall again?? How do we know when God put us through a trial to make us stronger, or to teach us a life lesson...?
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Isn't life funny? I personally believe that it is the normal process of life to start life with that secure, confident 'rose colored glasses' attitude. I believe God intends that. He gives us parents to protect us and control the flow of how much 'reality' we are exposed to at different ages. Sometimes life comes in hard and fast and as parents we lose that control over our kids exposure to reality. Is that bad? Doesn't have to be. You are right, we learn from those lessons and they can make us better. And from what I see, it has made you better. I believe part of growing up is making the transition from 'carefree, everything is going my way' to 'I think I need to pray and plan a little before I make this choice'.... It doesn't mean the child you was wrong, and certainly doesn't mean the maturing you is wrong either. You just got there a little faster than the average child. That's the beauty of childhood....the freedom of worry from the harsh reality that is life. Be so thankful that God allowed you that type of childhood. He has seen you through some tough times and you have conquered satan with flying colors! I do not believe we are hurt to teach us to play it safe but it is a natural by product of that lesson. As a child, if you take a big slurp of hot chocolate and burn your mouth, the next time, you check the temp first before you drink. Does that change your personality? I don't think so... you are wiser because of it. God is very cool... and we are wonderfully and fearfully made... Romans 8:28 promises that if we are His children, then anything we find ourselves in, He will use for our good.
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